Dan Scott started a great conversation here about phrases to quit using in kids ministry.  Kenny Conley comments in that conversation about the process we go through as Christ followers.  Here is what Kenny writes.

…I’ve become a lot more comfortable with the idea that becoming a Christ Follower for many people isn’t an alter call experience, but a process. I’ve talked to too many people who can’t tell you when they became a Christ Follower because it was more of a process for them... I’ve had parents get frustrated when their kids “asked Jesus in their heart” and they’d already done it before… Could it be that this is a process? Kids may have made a heart decision, but their mind still hasn’t caught up (they don’t completely comprehend)…

I’ve talked to many parents with teens that have ‘grown up’ in church.  They stand before me confused because their daughter made a mistake and is now pregnant.  Mom/dad look at me and say,

“She accepted Jesus when she was 6, she never missed a Sunday, we volunteered every Wednesday night… now my 16 yr old is pregnant.  What happened?”

Are we offering a checklist?  Are we giving them hoops to jump through?

Don’t miss church.

Bring your kids to our events.

Do this bible study.

Pray this prayer.

We forget sometimes that mom/dad want to do this thing right.  If we throw a perceived ‘recipe for success’ out there, are we inviting parents to assume that following the recipe will produce the perfect child? Or at least a child with no MAJOR issues like teen pregnancy, social drinking, or addiction to 80’s hair band music.

I question our approach often.  I work to explain to mom/dad that choosing Christ is a series of discoveries and decisions.  It begins with discovering what He did for us and why.  Then continues with decisions… the everyday, ordinary decision of choosing what He says is best verses what we think is best.

Is anyone else (parent or Children’s pastor) wrestling this down?

The 5th and final parenting skill… and my favorite of all.  Parenting Skill #5 is…

Multiply your Influence

Pursue strategic relationships for your kids.  As our kids grow older, our influence begins to diminish and the influence of others increases.  You can be strategic about who those influences are.

Though I can demonstrate what it looks like to be a godly mom and a godly wife for my kids, I will always be mom to them.  I want my daughter to be influenced by single young women who love Jesus.  So, I strategically place these Christ-following women in her life that demonstrate what purity and modesty looks like in that phase of life.  I’m selective of the babysitters that I choose and the company she keeps.

You can multiply your influence over your kids by surrounding them with relationships that live out this scripture… “…Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got!”

In a previous post, ‘Using the Kid for Bait’, we agree that Child Dedications is a great time to grab parents attention.  Why?  Because they’re hungry for information… AND they’re not yet disillusioned with their ability to parent.

I said it.  And I own it.

After 9 years of parenting, I know my weaknesses.  I know my tendencies.  I’m slightly disillusioned with my ability to navigate the parental waters.  Sometimes I walk away from a parental encounter and I know I’ve done a good job.  Other times I walk away as baffled as my child.

Did I make the right decision?  Am I expecting too much of him?  Am I expecting enough?

So, I love to get with parents that have only been parents  for 5 minutes.  They’re so raw in the “I don’t want to mess this up” phase.  They’re willing to try something new and they still have enough faith in themselves to believe they can do it!  And if I have their attention, I want to shift their paradigm.

Many parents in my community parent with their eyes wide shut.  They just don’t realize that by doing what every other family is doing ultimately tears their family apart.   When I get mom/dad’s attention… Goal #1 is to open their eyes to their role as parent.  I open scripture to the all-familiar Deut 6:4-7 and walk them through the picture it paints.  A picture of  a family (not a church staff/volunteer/VBS/summer camp/bible study group) learning how to love the Lord their God with all their heart, mind and strength.   I keep it in simple terms, simple actions, simple processes that all result in a family invested in God and invested in each other.

Next week I’ll share more about the parenting skills I learned from ReThink that help give a framework to Deut 6.

Last week I posted about hooks in ministry.  Read it here to catch up.

Hooks are important in ministry b/c most people know what they want, but don’t know what they need.  I need a good hook to gain parents’ attention in order to expand their vision for their family.  The best hook in my tackle box for a young family is Child Dedications.

Child Dedications is a natural draw because:

• It’s the ’shiny’ moment where the parents showcase their child/family.
• Parents want to express their sincere intent to do what is best for their child.
• Parents are hungry for direction.

How do we know parents are hungry?

• They’ll pay $25 for the book, “What to Expect When Expecting”
• They study the origins of names searching for the perfect one
• They’ll tour the hospital BEFORE giving birth to their first-born

For the record… once you reach child #3… things change a little:

• That $25 book becomes a booster seat for the toddler
• Your kindergartner chooses the name based upon his favorite movie character.  And that’s how you have a child named Jack-Jack
• The hospital tour occurs while you’re pacing the halls in the midst of labor

But I digress.  Back to my point… Parents are willing to jump through a few hoops to participate in an event like Child Dedications.  So it should be more than just an isolated event.  Child Dedications should be a  process that lead mom and dad to embrace a God-sized vision for their family.  I’ll unpack my process for Child Dedications, but I’d like to hear your thoughts first.  No lurking. What’s the most important thing you want parents to know when they walk away from your Child Dedication event?

I’m Guest Blogging this week with on Swerve with the Kendra Golden.  Don’t miss it!

The chapter that impacted me the most from David Staal’s book, Words Kids Need to Hear.  Here is #4 of 7 things my kids need to hear from me.

#4…

“I’m sorry, please forgive me”

Here are my swift kicks in the behind…

• Authentic authority flows from respect, and sincere apologies foster the connectedness and trust that is necessary for it to lovingly evolve.
• Children tend to treat people the way they are treated.
• The humility we need comes from a simple truth – everyone messes up and has reasons to apologize.  Even to kids.  When you approach life convinced of your fallibility, a humble attitude will follow.  Just don’t get arrogant about it.
• If the thought “I should apologize” comes to mind, then act on it; that’s your heart talking.
• Act sooner than later.  An apology sometimes arrives too late to have full impact.
• Speak clearly and concisely.  Limit your words.  Work hard to resist the urge to offer excuses and preserve the power of the moment.
• Disappointment with mom or dad is tough for a kid to handle.
• Parents need to give children opportunities to develop an ability to freely forgive.  He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.

I needed a breather after that chapter.

Whenever we celebrate baptisms at LifeChurch.tv it’s an exciting event.  We draw a lot of attention to it and intentionally create a celebratory moment for what God is doing.  It’s a great experience.

The most common conversations I have with parents center around this question, “Is my child ready for baptism?”.

A great question that is not easily answered.  My goal as a kids pastor is to equip mom and dad for those little, off-the-cuff conversations they find themselves in on the way home from school one day.  “Mom, when will I be baptized?”

There are a handful of questions I ask a child to determine their readiness for baptism.  For the purpose of equipping, I put these questions on paper and give them to mom and dad so they can be the one leading this conversation with their child… not me.   You can read them here.  Though these questions are helpful in determining a child’s understanding of baptism, I confess this is not a full-proof ‘tool’ for determining readiness.

Why?  Because we can know the right answers to questions and yet not display evidence that it is true in our lives.  I may have all the right responses to the question, but if my actions do not reflect life-change then my words are hollow.

So, how do we equip parents to view these questions through the lens of life-change rather than right responses?

The Family:

How do we meet their needs?

My best strategy for helping this family is:

• Open communication – I make sure mom/dad know that open dialogue is welcome and necessary.
• Flexibility – our ministry divides kids (primarily) by age.  However,  many kids with special needs are not developmentally consistent with their physical age. I like to work with mom/dad to find the best option for their child.
• Follow Up – I’ve found that mom/dad are hesitant to move their child up.  Especially if they are doing well in the room they’re in.  However, I’ve learned that often mom/dad need that gentle nudge encouraging them to allow their child to eventually move to a new room with a new age group.  9 times out of 10 mom/dad are surprised at how well their child does.  So I set a reminder on my calendar to follow up with mom/dad anywhere from 6 to 12 months to visit this question.

Here is my philosophy:  If I believe there are no accidents.  If I believe God is the Orchestrator and the Creator of all things, then He crafted this family… one for the other.  This child was crafted (special needs and all) to bring glory and honor to God.  This child was created to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind and strength.  Then I want to figure out a way to let the children come to Him and not hinder them. (Matthew 19:14)

it amazes me just how unceremonious God-moments can be. and yet they are no less God ordained, amazing moments.

sitting at lunch with my daughter, between bites of her ham sandwiches, she asks, “mom, what’s sin?”

me… “honey, you know what sin is.”

josie… “you mean, things we do that are wrong?”

me… “pretty much.”

josie… “mom, i’ve sinned.”

me… “i know. so have i.”

josie… “but Jesus, he never sinned.”

slowly josie begins connecting the dots. she’s heard it before. she knows the story. but that day she understood this applied to her. and she had a decision to make.

so she asked Jesus into her life… over a ham sandwich

that’s pretty cool

Was having one of my super mom moments last night.  Kids splashing in the bath.  Laughing and playing.  Got one head washed with minimal tears.  Got the second head scrubbed.  While rinsing out the suds, I just didn’t pay much attention to the toddler repeatedly saying, “EEEWWWW!” holding his finger in my face.  Just kept scooping up cups full of water to pour over the thick head of sudsy hair on my daughters head.  Each scoop of water pouring through the hair and all over the face.

That’s when the “EEEWWW” causes me to pause.

I look at Connor’s finger.

I look at the discolored spot next to him on the bottom of the tub.

Trying to discriminate a shape among all the bubbles and toys hovering just above it.

Oh my heavens.  How long has THAT been in there!!!

And how much of that water did I just pour on my daughter’s head.