Dan Scott started a great conversation here about phrases to quit using in kids ministry.  Kenny Conley comments in that conversation about the process we go through as Christ followers.  Here is what Kenny writes.

…I’ve become a lot more comfortable with the idea that becoming a Christ Follower for many people isn’t an alter call experience, but a process. I’ve talked to too many people who can’t tell you when they became a Christ Follower because it was more of a process for them... I’ve had parents get frustrated when their kids “asked Jesus in their heart” and they’d already done it before… Could it be that this is a process? Kids may have made a heart decision, but their mind still hasn’t caught up (they don’t completely comprehend)…

I’ve talked to many parents with teens that have ‘grown up’ in church.  They stand before me confused because their daughter made a mistake and is now pregnant.  Mom/dad look at me and say,

“She accepted Jesus when she was 6, she never missed a Sunday, we volunteered every Wednesday night… now my 16 yr old is pregnant.  What happened?”

Are we offering a checklist?  Are we giving them hoops to jump through?

Don’t miss church.

Bring your kids to our events.

Do this bible study.

Pray this prayer.

We forget sometimes that mom/dad want to do this thing right.  If we throw a perceived ‘recipe for success’ out there, are we inviting parents to assume that following the recipe will produce the perfect child? Or at least a child with no MAJOR issues like teen pregnancy, social drinking, or addiction to 80′s hair band music.

I question our approach often.  I work to explain to mom/dad that choosing Christ is a series of discoveries and decisions.  It begins with discovering what He did for us and why.  Then continues with decisions… the everyday, ordinary decision of choosing what He says is best verses what we think is best.

Is anyone else (parent or Children’s pastor) wrestling this down?

The 5th and final parenting skill… and my favorite of all.  Parenting Skill #5 is…

Multiply your Influence

Pursue strategic relationships for your kids.  As our kids grow older, our influence begins to diminish and the influence of others increases.  You can be strategic about who those influences are.

Though I can demonstrate what it looks like to be a godly mom and a godly wife for my kids, I will always be mom to them.  I want my daughter to be influenced by single young women who love Jesus.  So, I strategically place these Christ-following women in her life that demonstrate what purity and modesty looks like in that phase of life.  I’m selective of the babysitters that I choose and the company she keeps.

You can multiply your influence over your kids by surrounding them with relationships that live out this scripture… “…Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got!”

Parenting Skill #4 is…

Fight for the Heart

Communicate in a way that brings value to the relationship.  As a parent, my words have the greatest impact on my child.

A sarcastic tongue… a sharp response… these things can hurt a child’s heart. They hurt even more coming from their parent.  Be the greatest protector of your child’s heart.

Your child will make mistakes.  They will break things.  They will spill things.  And sooner than you think, they’ll be 16 years old and back into the mailbox… in your car.  In these times, carefully address the problem, while affirming them as a person.

Then, in those random moments when nothing is wrong, nothings was spilled, nothing was broken… and your mailbox is still standing… take these moments to speak words filled with encouragement and praise.

Watch your child light up when you tell her what you see.

See his confidence grow when you tell him you fully believe that he can be a world changer.

Fight for their heart!

Parenting Skill #2 is:

Keep it Personal

Deuteronomy 6:6 says, “Write these commandments… on your hearts.  Get them inside of you…” The old phrase, “things are better caught than taught” applies here.

What happens in my home is far more important than what happens at church.  My kids will do what I demonstrate.

• How much my son cherishes Bible Study and learning.
• How much my daughter values loving relationships.
• The extent to which my kids serve others.

All of these are influenced by my daily activities more than the activities of the kids ministry they attend a few hours a week.

My child will learn how to love God with his whole heart from my demonstration of loving God with my whole heart.

As a parent, it’s imperative that I Keep It Personal.

Parenting Skill #1 is…

Imagine the End

Deuteronomy 6:4 says, “…Love God, your God, with your whole heart; love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got! “

Society teaches us the goal of parenting is to produce a well-rounded child.  But scripture teaches us our goal is to raise a child that loves Jesus with everything they have.  In kids ministry, it’s important we help parents to imagine their child at 18, 19, 20 years old then ask the question…  “What is your goal?”

Moses told the Israelites then later Jesus repeats it to the teachers of the law…

Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, mind and strength.

Of all the things we want for our kids, teaching them to love God with all they should be our single-minded focus.  All else will fall into place.

I attended a leaders forum hosted by the ReThink group last October.  I tagged along with a few friends because I heard Sue Miller was leading it.  To be in a room with less than 100 people hearing from Sue Miller was a no-brainer in my book.

I learned a lot that one afternoon.  But she spent a few minutes sharing 5 points that have influenced every conversation I’ve had with parents since that day.

5 Parenting Skills to teach parents that will shape their relationship with the kids.

5 Skills that provide a framework to the scripture Deuteronomy 4:6-7.

5 simply skills that… if used… if they become habits… a way of life… will give a parent the kind of relationship with their kids they truly desire.

I’ll start by providing the skills, then unpack them in the next few posts.

#1  Imagine the End

#2  Keep it Personal

#3  Create a Rhythm

#4  Fight for the Heart

#5 Multiply your Influence

I think we’ll hear more about this at the Orange Conference 2009!  I’m bringing a big notebook. 

In-roads.  On-ramps.  Avenues.

I can be creative with the term.  When it comes down to it, the goal is the same.  Create an entry point to my ministry inserting the participant on a journey.  A pilgrimage toward loving the Lord their God with all their heart, mind and strength… and loving others more than they love themselves.  If I’m honest I’ll be on this pilgrimage for as long as I draw breath.

The process has been on my mind a lot lately.  Grasping a God-sized vision for families in my ministry… in my community.  What are the entry points that will attract their attention, capture their imagination, then engage them on a journey to willingly and deliberately live their lives differently?

My current hook is Child Dedications.  I’ll share some of my thoughts over a series of scattered posts.  (I’m not trapped by linear thinking )  They’ll all fall under the category titled Child Dedications, so click on the category link and you’ll be up to date.

Nearing the end of my notes from David Staal’s book, Words Kids Need to Hear.  Here is #6 of 7 things my kids need to hear from me.

#6…

“No”

Here are my takeaways…

• Be the Adult, Care Too Much:  While a kid typically won’t enjoy the limitations that come his way, their existence will help him feel secure.  The reason:  he knows that someone cares for him and stands committed to his well-being.
• Be Willing to Do Something:  The average parent reminds a child nine times before taking action.  When your action follows the ninth request, you teach the child that he can ignore the first eight.
• Know How to Resist:  Consider how many decisions are made, or not made, because a parent fears a child’s reaction
• Sunday school teachers or youth ministry workers face a real temptation to tolerate otherwise inappropriate behavior in an effort to appear cool to their charges and thereby win acceptance – in the name of ministry, of course.
• Betsy Hart says, “If we do not train our children as youngsters to appropriately submit to our loving authority, if instead we train their hearts in rebellion, then how will they be able to one day submit to the authority of their heavenly father?  Practically speaking, this means our children have to actually hear the word ‘no’.”

This was a great chapter for me to read.  Though I believe I have a good grasp on discipline in my home, I can see where I’ve allowed areas to slip.  Where my inaction has given my kids perceived permission.  I want my kids to learn how to obey their heavenly father.  I want the gap between knowing His will and acting on His will to be very short.

Here is the question that rings in my mind…

Is my “no” respected and effective?

It’s the final day of Guest Blogging on Swerve with the Kendra Golden.  Don’t miss it!

Continuing the discussion from David Staal’s book, Words Kids Need to Hear.  Here is #5 of 7 things my kids need to hear from me.

#5…

“Because”

Here are my takeaways…

• …the difference between a boy or girl just hearing your voice and actually believing what you say depends on whether or not you provide an authentic rationale – the words you add after you say, “because”.
• This word, used effectively as the start of a reasoned, rational statement, offers you a unique opportunity to make your messages powerful.
• How can a child distinguish a parent’s authentic affirmation, commitment, or affection from the hollow hype she hears virtually everywhere else?
• It’s time for we parents to take back authenticity – one “because” at a time

Does your child take what you say to heart?

I’m Guest Blogging this week with on Swerve with the Kendra Golden.  Don’t miss it!

The chapter that impacted me the most from David Staal’s book, Words Kids Need to Hear.  Here is #4 of 7 things my kids need to hear from me.

#4…

“I’m sorry, please forgive me”

Here are my swift kicks in the behind…

• Authentic authority flows from respect, and sincere apologies foster the connectedness and trust that is necessary for it to lovingly evolve.
• Children tend to treat people the way they are treated.
• The humility we need comes from a simple truth – everyone messes up and has reasons to apologize.  Even to kids.  When you approach life convinced of your fallibility, a humble attitude will follow.  Just don’t get arrogant about it.
• If the thought “I should apologize” comes to mind, then act on it; that’s your heart talking.
• Act sooner than later.  An apology sometimes arrives too late to have full impact.
• Speak clearly and concisely.  Limit your words.  Work hard to resist the urge to offer excuses and preserve the power of the moment.
• Disappointment with mom or dad is tough for a kid to handle.
• Parents need to give children opportunities to develop an ability to freely forgive.  He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.

I needed a breather after that chapter.