It’s like a right of passage for the 2-year old. The idea that he can say, “No”.

It’s not just the word. It’s the inflection. The way the word roles off the tongue. Reverberates through the room filling the space around him. Clearly defining his opinion on the subject.

Like bullets spraying from a machine gun.

Water jetting from a rotary sprinkler.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

It’s still ringing in my ears.

The past few months of my life have been filled with healing, refocusing, working and grabbing as much time with my family as possible. I haven’t blogged much… as you know. Every time I think about my silence on Jabberfrog I remind myself of a comment Kem Meyers made one time.

When things at home and work are healthy… I blog. When things at home and work aren’t healthy… I don’t blog. (loosely paraphrased… it was a long time ago.)

Things in my life have been very busy the past few months… and spiritual battle has been intense. I wish I could say that I’ve fought with some measure of endurance… but the truth is there were many times I hid from it.

My method of hiding is television. I grew up in front of it. It became a means of escape as a kid. Now, it’s just automatic. I know I’m avoiding something if all I want to do is ‘veg’ in front of the boob-tube.

So the battle becomes a series of successes and failures. Moments I don’t feel like confronting… just feel like evading. The Holy Spirit asking me to connect with Him, as I click on the ‘one-eyed-monster’ to connect with Deadliest Catch. Gratefully there are moments I refuse to quit fighting… pick up God’s Word… speak it out loud… and claim it as truth despite whether or not I believe it.

I’m still in the battle. And physically tired in the midst. But I know what lies on the other side is a stronger rooting in Jesus. All I know is I must remain by the stream. Speak His Word… despite how I feel. As long as I do this, my roots will grow deeper… stronger.

But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

Digging deeper in this season of growth means a season of harvest will follow. Fruit is to come and the harvesting of that fruit is very rewarding.

So, I’ll continue to battle. Dig into the relationships God has intentionally placed in my life. Pour myself out.

It’s the only way I know I’ll find laughter and joy in the midst of the storm.

…and a hint of iritation that I was there at 6:10am.  But the doors were open on time (a first) and the manager was there to check me out when I was ready. 

Promotion in a company should include a persons passion for creating an outstanding customer experience.  Not simply their ability to handle a lot of tasks. 

High capacity is of value… but never to the sacrifice of the customer experience. 

Just a thought.

Return On Investment

A phrase many of us are familiar with. 

We all want our resources to go as far as they can.  The best bang for our buck.

Funny how I believe that is true… I desire a great return on my investment… and yet my time is poorly spent. 

Time is the one commodity you can spend and never get back.

So why do I spend so little time in prayer?

When I think about it… time spent in prayer has got to be a great investment. 

I receive a periodic email from ‘The Pastor’s Coach’ at Injoy.com.  Here is what I walked away with.

God has chosen to work through people. As church leaders we are charged with the mission He gave us. We all have a choice, we can engage the mission equipped merely with our leadership gifts and talents or we can engage the mission based on the time we spend on our knees asking God for guidance, power and blessing upon our gifts and talents. So, let me ask you a personal question. No one is looking – be honest. How much time and energy do you invest in prayer?

If your answer is that you fall short in the area of prayer, don’t let this become a road to guilt. That’s what the enemy wants. Think grace. But get in the game and pray. If you are tempted to ask “how much” you should pray, be careful, that can lead toward more guilt and even legalism.

It’s true that more time in prayer is better than less time. But the actual amount isn’t the point as much as your consistency, passion and heart behind the prayer. I am making a big assumption that you want to pray. But like many church leaders, you find the busyness of your life crowding out time for prayer. I urge you to make time to pray. Carve out the time. Make it happen. Fight for it. Let everything else wait. Whether you pray 20 minutes a day or 2 hours a day is between you and God. The point is to talk to God and listen for His voice. Beyond these set-apart times of prayer, scripture tells us to pray without ceasing. I’ve learned that, for me, praying without ceasing means to carry an attitude of awareness, dependence, and communication (listening) to God throughout the day.

Interesting how the gifts and talents God employs in me were never intended to be powered strictly by me.  They were placed inside me and designed in such a way to be power by God.  I know that… and yet I don’t act on it. 

Oh… the patience He has with me.  It’s amazing. 

The Mother’s Day dining experience is a ritual set in place… jeez, I have no idea how, when or who… I don’t really care. Why did it become the standard to take your mom out for dinner (or lunch) for Mother’s Day?

I’m not a big advocate for taking my kids to a restaurant.

Why?

Because I want to enjoy the dining experience… and I want to enjoy my kids. And much of the time, the two don’t mix well.

I know… all you parents out there that say, ‘Train your child and they will learn to behave in a restaurant!’ I know. And believe me… my kids know how to act in a restaurant. But the fact remains… my 2-year old likes the freedom of movement he has at home.

But today we continued the ritual and we went to dine at the restaurant of my choice.

Connor choked and upchucked his dinner, and Josie had to visit the restroom every 5 minutes culminating in a ‘movement’ that induced a bloody nose. We left apologizing to our server (i.e. waitress, serving expert, dining experience engineer, whatever-they’re-called-now, etc), warned them of the chunky napkins and left the remaining food without taking it home.

Happy Mother’s Day

…than it did the moment my mother said it.  

“I’m sorry.  I was controlling.  I was verbally abusive.  And I was physically abusive.  And I’m here to  make amends.”

If you’d asked me a month ago if my mother ever ‘crossed the line’?  I would say… yes. 

If you’d asked me if she was abusive… I wouldn’t agree.  That’s someone else’s life.  Not mine.

Don’t get me wrong.  My childhood was good.  I was safe.  Never went without.  I grew up the average 80’s ’latch-key’ kid. 

Was my mom verbally abusive?  Well… she certainly had a way with words.

Was she physically abusive?  Again… there were moments.

But what really hurt me the most… and still stings today is the emotional distance. 

My mom was emotionally unavailable to me growing up.  I recall sitting alone in my room believing there was something inherently unlikeable about me.  But I never knew why. 

Until now.

Just remembering the conversation makes my pulse race a little. 

I knew my mom was molested as a child.  I knew her older brother was the culprit.  But I didn’t know the extent or the duration.  Not something a kid needs to know.

Hearing about my mom’s experience growing up…the constant abuse.  It opened my eyes to the pain she’s endured for the past several decades of her life.

This explains a lot.  But not everything.  Then she says it…

“Growing up… you reminded me more and more of him.”

Wow.  That’s a bombshell.

Suddenly pieces of my childhood that didn’t fit into the puzzle settled into place. 

That’s why.

We rarely hugged.  We never connected.  We couldn’t just talk.  It was an emotional canyon with no hope of bridging.

Things improved after I went to college.  The moments we were together, we laughed and just enjoyed spending time together.  Now we hug everytime we see each other.  It feels good. 

Now that I’m married with kids, my mother is more emotionally available to me than she ever was.  Does it make up for lost time?  I don’t know.  But I do know that God’s grace and healing is abundant and I believe He is taking what was broken and restoring it to something better than we can ask, think or imagine. 

That apology never made more sense… and I’m grateful it is only the beginning.